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nocturnus33Ok. I know this is silly but I felt guilty of being depress.
Today I recived the assesment my students of last term made about me: It were glorious, I couldn't have a better evaluation. Hubbie suggest I should add that to my aplication to another university (I'm trying to left bad U).
So why I'm depressed?. I have a good marriage. Two lovely kids. Job that I love (bad U aside),I got a scholarship and do my PhD without paying a cent. Have a beautiful house, and after all a decent money (with up and downs).
The problem being that I always felt inadequate, as I'm not worthy. Sort of Forrest Gump, you now. Like I'm cheating and I could be discoverd. Does this made any sense?
I turn arround and I see people with real motives to be depress, and felt as an spoil brat. Guilty of being depress. I made an effort of being always the cheerfull one, so I hide my angst and my shyness very well. I'm always with fear o being reject, of not being invited to join the play.
My fibromialgy is the somatic expression of this. And I felt guilty of having it. I share the prejuice people have about the syndrome, so I catalogue my self as lazy or trying to turn people attention into me. I theory I know, what this syndrome is, but in my guts I depretiate myself about having it.
Very often, I felt terror, as I can't continue going, as I want to quit the game, and retire to my mum's womb. Living requires an energy that I don't have, so I guess I hide in here, in cyber space, a place to evade RL.
Today I recived the assesment my students of last term made about me: It were glorious, I couldn't have a better evaluation. Hubbie suggest I should add that to my aplication to another university (I'm trying to left bad U).
So why I'm depressed?. I have a good marriage. Two lovely kids. Job that I love (bad U aside),I got a scholarship and do my PhD without paying a cent. Have a beautiful house, and after all a decent money (with up and downs).
The problem being that I always felt inadequate, as I'm not worthy. Sort of Forrest Gump, you now. Like I'm cheating and I could be discoverd. Does this made any sense?
I turn arround and I see people with real motives to be depress, and felt as an spoil brat. Guilty of being depress. I made an effort of being always the cheerfull one, so I hide my angst and my shyness very well. I'm always with fear o being reject, of not being invited to join the play.
My fibromialgy is the somatic expression of this. And I felt guilty of having it. I share the prejuice people have about the syndrome, so I catalogue my self as lazy or trying to turn people attention into me. I theory I know, what this syndrome is, but in my guts I depretiate myself about having it.
Very often, I felt terror, as I can't continue going, as I want to quit the game, and retire to my mum's womb. Living requires an energy that I don't have, so I guess I hide in here, in cyber space, a place to evade RL.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-15 08:27 pm (UTC)fibro is going to keep being frustrating, but there's support online- so you can get information and community if you want it to be there.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/fibromyalgia/
http://www.fmaware.org/
http://www.livejournal.com/community/creakyjoints/
no subject
Date: 2004-04-15 08:57 pm (UTC)I would like to be friend you, is that Ok? I don't know no one with this thingy here.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-15 08:45 pm (UTC)Hang in there... I have a friend who has fibro too, I forwarded the url of this post to him; I think he can probably help you more than any of my good wishes.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-15 08:59 pm (UTC)A good nap will do the rest.