*waves* Hi! It's me again. I did promise I would return.
You already have my positive thoughts from yesterday. Here are my thoughts and opinions - except of course for the to versus too thing here. That's not jsut an opinion, that's common usage. Alse, where you put the mss. dwon for Hermione. That's an abbreviation of the French for Madamoiselle, isn't it? To warn you, I pointed that out and put "miss" which is more common usage in Britain and America for an unmarried female-type person.
Penelope was nervous. She looked at herself in the mirror behind the stage "A little color, darling, you are just to pale".
* Should be too. Random example: You can go from here to there and I can go from here to there, too.
She never spent that much time in front of the mirror, because people had not come to see her attire, but she wanted to look professional, and most of all, adult.
* I think you wanted to add a bit to this to clarify the impression you want to make upon the reader:
She had never spent that much time in front of the mirror before; she knew that people had not come to see her attire, but she wanted to look professional, and most of all, adult.
Outside, in the great hall arranged throughout the auditorium, were her former professors, a few members of the Wizengamot, and important members of the wizarding community. Even though she had been invited by Dumbledore himself to speak at the conference, they had all come to listen to her, mostly out of curiosity and friendship. They would not like her speech, as she knew they were not open to what she wanted to say.
* Was she invited to speak because of some research she had done? If so, then had it been done for a school research project as either a student or as a professor?
She took one last look in the mirror “Put on a brave face girl” and stepped out onto the stage. The Great Hall ceiling reflected a starry night, and it soothed her.
* She took one last look in the mirror. “Put on a brave face, girl,” she told herself, and then stepped out onto the stage.
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momijizukamori
[Part One]]
Date: 2005-05-26 01:48 pm (UTC)You already have my positive thoughts from yesterday. Here are my thoughts and opinions - except of course for the to versus too thing here. That's not jsut an opinion, that's common usage. Alse, where you put the mss. dwon for Hermione. That's an abbreviation of the French for Madamoiselle, isn't it? To warn you, I pointed that out and put "miss" which is more common usage in Britain and America for an unmarried female-type person.
Penelope was nervous. She looked at herself in the mirror behind the stage "A little color, darling, you are just to pale".
* Should be too. Random example: You can go from here to there and I can go from here to there, too.
She never spent that much time in front of the mirror, because people had not come to see her attire, but she wanted to look professional, and most of all, adult.
* I think you wanted to add a bit to this to clarify the impression you want to make upon the reader:
She had never spent that much time in front of the mirror before; she knew that people had not come to see her attire, but she wanted to look professional, and most of all, adult.
Outside, in the great hall arranged throughout the auditorium, were her former professors, a few members of the Wizengamot, and important members of the wizarding community. Even though she had been invited by Dumbledore himself to speak at the conference, they had all come to listen to her, mostly out of curiosity and friendship. They would not like her speech, as she knew they were not open to what she wanted to say.
* Was she invited to speak because of some research she had done? If so, then had it been done for a school research project as either a student or as a professor?
She took one last look in the mirror “Put on a brave face girl” and stepped out onto the stage. The Great Hall ceiling reflected a starry night, and it soothed her.
* She took one last look in the mirror. “Put on a brave face, girl,” she told herself, and then stepped out onto the stage.