Guilt.

[nocturnus33]

Ok. I know this is silly but I felt guilty of being depress.
Today I recived the assesment my students of last term made about me: It were glorious, I couldn't have a better evaluation. Hubbie suggest I should add that to my aplication to another university (I'm trying to left bad U).
So why I'm depressed?. I have a good marriage. Two lovely kids. Job that I love (bad U aside),I got a scholarship and do my PhD without paying a cent. Have a beautiful house, and after all a decent money (with up and downs).
The problem being that I always felt inadequate, as I'm not worthy. Sort of Forrest Gump, you now. Like I'm cheating and I could be discoverd. Does this made any sense?
I turn arround and I see people with real motives to be depress, and felt as an spoil brat. Guilty of being depress. I made an effort of being always the cheerfull one, so I hide my angst and my shyness very well. I'm always with fear o being reject, of not being invited to join the play.
My fibromialgy is the somatic expression of this. And I felt guilty of having it. I share the prejuice people have about the syndrome, so I catalogue my self as lazy or trying to turn people attention into me. I theory I know, what this syndrome is, but in my guts I depretiate myself about having it.
Very often, I felt terror, as I can't continue going, as I want to quit the game, and retire to my mum's womb. Living requires an energy that I don't have, so I guess I hide in here, in cyber space, a place to evade RL.

Comments

[insomniatcsquir.livejournal.com]

i have fibromyalgia, too (i was linked to your lj by a friend) and wanted to put something on this to make you feel less alone. we all suffer from feeling lazy or "just depressed," at least sometimes, but its not that simple.

fibro is going to keep being frustrating, but there's support online- so you can get information and community if you want it to be there.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/fibromyalgia/
http://www.fmaware.org/
http://www.livejournal.com/community/creakyjoints/

[nocturnus33]

Thanks a lot. To add something to my mood, today I learn through the net, that I probably infect my son with Mycoplasma (He spent Holly Week at the intensive care unit), I read most people with our syndrome carried Mycoplasma too.
I would like to be friend you, is that Ok? I don't know no one with this thingy here.