Guilt.

Apr. 15th, 2004 09:36 pm
nocturnus33: (Default)
Ok. I know this is silly but I felt guilty of being depress.
Today I recived the assesment my students of last term made about me: It were glorious, I couldn't have a better evaluation. Hubbie suggest I should add that to my aplication to another university (I'm trying to left bad U).
So why I'm depressed?. I have a good marriage. Two lovely kids. Job that I love (bad U aside),I got a scholarship and do my PhD without paying a cent. Have a beautiful house, and after all a decent money (with up and downs).
The problem being that I always felt inadequate, as I'm not worthy. Sort of Forrest Gump, you now. Like I'm cheating and I could be discoverd. Does this made any sense?
I turn arround and I see people with real motives to be depress, and felt as an spoil brat. Guilty of being depress. I made an effort of being always the cheerfull one, so I hide my angst and my shyness very well. I'm always with fear o being reject, of not being invited to join the play.
My fibromialgy is the somatic expression of this. And I felt guilty of having it. I share the prejuice people have about the syndrome, so I catalogue my self as lazy or trying to turn people attention into me. I theory I know, what this syndrome is, but in my guts I depretiate myself about having it.
Very often, I felt terror, as I can't continue going, as I want to quit the game, and retire to my mum's womb. Living requires an energy that I don't have, so I guess I hide in here, in cyber space, a place to evade RL.

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nocturnus33

August 2017

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